Sam is a soon to be mother and shares her honest words on the hurdles that have come along with her greatest dream coming true.
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36 weeks pregnant.
Only (hopefully) 4 more weeks.
Sometimes it feels insane that I am making a little human being. Watching the stages it goes through growing in the womb – it really is a beautiful miracle.
However knowing this doesn’t make pregnancy any easier. I love rubbing my hands on my bump knowing my little pipsqueak is in there, but I’m also trying to remind myself that my body is going through these changes because of my little miracle.
Now every woman handles pregnancy differently. With the changes that we go through – certain ones are harder than others.
For myself to start, the hardest is with my body changing. Not being able to do things myself, including driving (causes too much pain), the weight gain, watching my body get bigger, and being so incredibly uncomfortable.
I was a fitness freak/gym goer who has always struggled with self image issues. Unfortunately with my pregnancy, the gym was not something I could continue, and watching my body change messes with my head. I have had to fight that inner voice and remind myself that it is for a reason, that I haven’t given up / let myself go, but that my weight gain is healthy and the changes are for my baby. I can honestly say that the inner voice wins a lot, and the feeling of being “ugly”, “fat”, and “unwanted” takes over. This is a hard mindset to overcome.
Then it’s the mental aspect. Our hormones can get so wonky, so out of place. I have always been upfront that I have battled depression, and well, combine that and out of control hormones – it’s an ongoing battlefield. It’s a feeling of losing who I am, being “forgotten” in a sense, and even feeling a little alone because I have to prove “I can do this”, when really I just want to say I’m having a very hard time. Many women before me and many after will be pregnant and many of those woman won’t feel the way I do, however, I don’t believe I am alone in this, but it is just not as publicly discussed as much as it should be.
I strongly believe I need to find the light because my pipsqueak needs to feel it. And when the darkness creeps in – I need to never stop fighting. I need to remind myself who I am, not be afraid to ask for help, and to do self care.
I am 36 weeks pregnant and can honestly say I feel low. Even writing this – I feel sad, unwanted, and straight up fat. I do hate that word but I won’t hide my feelings.
The day I hold my pipsqueak will be the greatest day of my life – this I do know.
Right now though I am scared. Scared of the battle I am facing and for the next battle to come. Trying to re-claim a little bit of myself while also becoming a mother.
My promise to myself is I will never give up. I have a long road but I will keep going.
My promise to my pipsqueak is that I will always show them strength and truth. That I will NEVER give up for them and to always be true to who I am.
